TW: Mentions of SA & R*pe
I’m angry because in my new relationship, i haven’t been able to orgasm as easily/often as I have with other partners and the only way i can is if i focus, squeeze, and tense up. I’m only 21 and it makes me upset.
Just for some background info, I have had a bad relationship with sex in the past. I used sex as a coping mechanism and have been Sexually Abused by past partners and Assaulted by old friends. In my developing years I put all my self worth into how boys saw me and would have sex with anyone interested. I felt that sex would fill the emotional void i had in my life. I’ve always felt like all I am is a hole/object for men to play with and I allowed myself to be that for so long.
Last year I had my first partner where i felt safe, comfortable and vulnerable with, but he played me soooo dirty. I fell head over heels for him, but He emotionally manipulated me into thinking he felt the same. Sex hasnt been as fun ever since him. I keep chasing that feeling and I think its affecting the sex in my current relationship.
Now i’m with my current bf and he’s great. I feel safe with him. But i’ve been struggling to be sexually satisfied with him. Even when he does things I like, my body cannot stay stimulated or does not seem receptive to it. Its getting frustrating.
I have sort of an out of body experience sometimes during. I still have the desire to have sex because I love him and find him attractive. When it comes to it though I can’t relax enough to enjoy and my mind ends up comparing him to the last parter I was with who emotionally manipulated me and used me. It makes me angry.
Lately I have extremely unsatisfying orgasms. To the point where I don’t even realize I did until i get extra sensitive around my clit/vagina. I can only orgasm if I close my eyes and squeeze until i have a headache.
Have any of you had this issue? If so how have you worked through it? Every time I try to talk about this in therapy, no emotions or traumas come up. I just know my body is keeping me from liking sex (which is terrible bc I’ve always been a sexually liberated person).